What Makes Relationships Work?

Hello and welcome to what “Makes Relationships Work? Scientific and Jewish Perspectives.” This is a re-recording of a lecture that I gave in person at Congregation Agudath Achim in Bradley Beach, New Jersey. And this is part of the Sinai and Synapses grant. So, welcome.

So, what makes relationships work? This is a very, very broad topic and one that we’ll only really be able to scratch the surface of, given the time that we have. However, hopefully we’ll be able to look at enough information that we’ll be able to draw some conclusions, at least in terms of the similarities and differences in scientific and Jewish perspectives.

There are a few key differences that are important for us to recognize as we begin this discussion. [Our] scientific research included research of not only straight and cisgender people, but also people from the LGBTQ community, people who were racially diverse, culturally diverse, and the scientific research focused on what happens between two partners that makes a relationship work – like, what’s going back and forth between them.

Jewish teachings focus on straight, cisgender Jewish individuals, and the focus tends to be, though not exclusively, on how one partner should treat the other – “How should a husband treat his wife or a wife treat her husband?” So, it tends to be gender-specific.

I’m going to suggest to you that most of what Judaism recommends one partner do to support the other can actually go both ways and have a positive outcome. But you’ll judge for yourself if you agree with that.

“The Einstein of Love”

So where will we turn for the scientific perspective? Well, we’re going to turn to the research of Dr. John Gottman. Dr. John Gottman, for the last 40 years, has been the leading researcher in committed romantic relationships, into what makes those relationships good and what makes them bad and leads to divorce, if it’s a marriage. Psychology Today called him “the Einstein of love.” He’s written, to date, 35 books on the subject. He’s studied couples at all stages of relationships. He studied couples beginning, middle couples who have been together for 20 or 30 years, he did longitudinal studies of up to 20 years. He studied couples from all over the world, and together with his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, they put together Gottman therapy.

Gottman therapy is a type of therapy that’s designed, based on the research, to help couples do what the masters of relationships do, what the people who have great relationships do, to teach us all how to do that. And there’s actually research that continues now at the Gottman Institute in Seattle. But – oh, I just want to point out, before I move to the next slide, so I Included this picture at the bottom of the slide where you see John Gottman’s kippah – just to make it clear that John Gottman is Jewish. He is a traditional observant Jew. He is the son of Holocaust survivors. He was born in a DP camp after the war. And you’ll see as we go through his research that you’ll see signs of his roots in the way he frames the topics and in the way he presents the research.

Okay, so where did it all begin? Where did this research all begin? In 1986, at the University of Washington, John Gottman and his colleagues opened the Gottman Love Lab. It actually wasn’t called the Love Lab at that time. The press got wind of this and they labeled it “the Love Lab” and the name kind of stuck.

So what would happen at the Love Lab? Well, they recruited couples to come and, you know, spend a few days there, like a little romantic getaway. It was a small studio apartment perched on the water in Seattle – so it was designed to be like this very comfortable, cozy place. Except when the couples arrived, they would give blood samples, they’d be given these harnesses to wear that would monitor their heart rate and other vital signs.

They’d give urine samples every few hours to see what was their level of stress hormones. And there were cameras that recorded their conversations, and what was happening between the two people between 9am and 9pm. And you might think: How could people possibly become comfortable and really be themselves? But surprisingly, they were able to do that; after a little while they just relaxed and interacted with each other.

And that was the beginning of the research. The Love Lab, at this point, has been reimagined, and it’s mostly used to help us diagnose what’s going on within a relationship, and what would be the most effective treatment to help that couple to feel better.

I included this quote from the Gottman Institute. It says: “Through groundbreaking mathematical models integrating non-linear differential equations” – so that gives you the hint that John Gottman was a math major, and he loves mathematics – “We can reliably predict and chart the future course of a relationship. And more importantly, we are now able to provide data-driven suggestions for positively adjusting the course of a couple’s life together.”

That’s a very lofty statement. And what I will say is that is absolutely true. But it’s a little bit like that old light bulb joke: “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?” Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change. So yeah, we could do that if the couple wants to change.

Jewish Texts on Marriage

Okay, where will we turn for Jewish sources on marriage? Well, we have so, so many options. We can turn to the Tanakh, to the Torah, five books of Moses, to the prophets, the Nevi’im, the writings, the Ketuvim – all talk about relationships, either by telling a story, conveying stories about relationships, or specific rules about relationships. There are endless commentaries in the Tanach. There is the Talmud and commentaries on the Talmud, rabbinic writings… there have been many articles and books that have been written about Jewish marriage. There’s also intergenerational legacy – what do we pass down from generation to generation – from father to son, mother to daughter, teacher to student? What gets passed down, and also through our traditions?

And these days there are so many websites and blog posts and so much information about Jewish marriage, it really feels almost endless, like there’s so much information. And I think because Judaism is so important to Jewish life, it’s woven throughout throughout all of the texts.

I decided to Google Jewish survey books on the topic. And there are hundreds of books – books that are written just for brides, ones that are written just for grooms, for the couple, ones that are written about family purity, ones that are written about just the wedding ceremony itself – the Jewish wedding ceremony and how to do that. So, so, so many books.

And so, I was curious, and I thought, “Well, do other religions have so many books about marriage?” So, I, out of curiosity, Googled “Catholic marriage.” And I was shocked to see that there were only, you know, one or two handfuls of books about Catholic marriage, and most of them were being sold directly from the publisher. I was kind of shocked, because there are 1.4 billion Catholics in the world and about 15.7 million Jews. And I was just really surprised about the difference.

So when I offered this program in person, I asked the audience, “What do you think accounts for this difference?” And people had so many different ideas. So, I’m just going to share one idea that I had, and that is that the Jewish marriage is a symbol of hope. Jewish marriage is the cornerstone of Jewish continuity. It embodies our belief that words of mourning about the Jewish people being thrown out of Jerusalem, that his words of “lo yishama b’arei Yehuda” – “It will never again be heard in the cities, in the areas, in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem the voice of gladness and joy” and bride and groom… that that fear it will never again be heard can be transformed into od yishama b’arei Yehudah: “Again will be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem; the voice of joy, the voice of gladness, the voice of bride and the voice of groom.” – that jubilant rejoicing.

And that, in fact, is the song that, traditionally, we sing at Jewish weddings. It’s the quintessential Jewish dance song. It’s not Hava Nagila, it’s this: “od yishama b’arei Yehudah” – “again will be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem this voice of joy.” And I think that that is the cornerstone.

And it also represents the Jewish people’s ability to hold two truths at the same time. To hold the truth that throughout every generation, the Jewish people suffer, right? Every generation, there arise people, enemies, that want to kill us. And at the same time, we still need to continue. We still need to continue to marry and celebrate and wipe away our tears and lift up our glass and say l’chaim, “to life.”

And I think that is really why there’s so much of a focus on Jewish marriage. Or at least that’s one idea. So let’s look at it. Let’s get right down to it. In Judaism, the traditional blessing that we give to the bride and groom at the wedding is, “may you build a bayit ne’eman bei Israel.” “May you build” – there are a few different ways of interpreting it. It could be a “faithful and enduring house”: “May you build an enduring house among the Jewish people.”

Now, the word ne’eman comes from the same root as the word uman, which means “craftsman.” And that leads us to believe that a Jewish marriage, and in fact any marriage, needs to be crafted. We can’t just say, “Oh, oh, it will all happen organically, our relationship. You know, I don’t want to tell my partner what I need. They should organically know what to do for me.” Well, that is totally not true. Judaism teaches that we need to craft. We need to work at our marriage. And science says the same. Science says that that is exactly what we need to do.  We need to work at it. We need to be intentional.

The Gottman Sound Relationship House

So let’s turn to science. This is what research shows. This is the Gottman sound relationship house. This is the graphic that represents what the research shows we need to have happening within the relationship in order for us to feel good. These are the things. Notice that John Gottman calls it “the sound relationship house.” It’s a house. It’s a bayit. And he doesn’t say, “Oh, you should strive to build a loving marriage,” or “You should strive to build a happy relationship.” No, he says, “You should strive to have a sound relationship, a strong relationship, a sturdy relationship,” a bayit ne’eman.  You should build a house, a relationship that can withstand the storms that are sure to come. And that is totally the Jewish way of looking at things.

So what I’m going to do is I am going to discuss the different levels of the sound relationship house, beginning with – actually, I’m going to begin with the pillars, and then we’ll go up through the levels and we’ll see what research shows and how that relates to Jewish teachings.

So, trust, according to research, trust, we define as feeling that the other person has our back, that they are going to be there for us, that we can rely on them, that they have our best intentions at heart. And trust is built through evidence. We have to keep showing them that we’re going to be there for them. At the bottom of the screen, you see this caption: “Small things often.” That’s what John Gottman says we need to do in order to have a good relationship. We need to do small things often that build trust – small things often that help our partner feel valued.

So let’s look at what Judaism has to say. There are many, many different sources on every topic that we’re going to discuss. What I ended up doing was just cherry-picking a few that I thought were particularly interesting, and I hope that you feel the same. So Iggeret Ha-Kodesh was a work that was written in the 12th century, and it’s a Kabbalistic work. And it says that the word chibbur (means “joining,” but in Kabbalistic terms, it also means “sex”), the word implies a coming together of equals.

Chibbur recalls the fundamental Jewish mystical drive to unite and mend the fragmented world of broken vessels. Therefore, we should help each other mend what is broken inside of us. So Iggeret Ha-Kodesh is saying the purpose of marriage is for us to come together as equals, two partners, and for us to help mend what’s broken inside of us.

And when you think that this was written in the 1100s, in the Dark Ages, and it’s talking about equality, about sex, about transcendence, about healing – not what’s physical healing, but emotional, spiritual healing, which is just amazing that it’s so old, and yet so timely.

The next quote that, that I decided to include, that I found interesting was from Raavad, which is another 12th-century commentator. So Iggeret HaKodesh was not a person. That was the work. There’s a question about whether Ramban wrote Iggeret HaKodesh, or someone else So, we don’t really know. But Raavad was an actual commentator, also in the 12th century, and he writes, and this is the quote:

“Therefore, it is proper that a man should love his wife as he loves his own being, and respect her more than he does his own self, and be compassionate with her, and watch over her, as a person would watch over one of his own limbs: and she should love him for she was taken from his side. That is why the Creator commanded man regarding his wife that he should never diminish that which is her due – namely food, clothing, shelter – in addition to the marital relationship, which must include joy and intimacy.”

So, although this particular commentary is speaking about what a man should do for his wife, it’s still so far ahead of its time to say that a man should love his wife more than himself, more than his limb – that part of his responsibilities are to bring her joy and intimacy within the sexual relationship. So, for its time, I think it’s really very special. And certainly, if we follow these teachings, trust will come, because we will feel that the other person has our best interest at heart and is there to support us.

So, the other pillar of the sound relationship house is commitment. Research defines commitment as each person being committed to the relationship as a lifelong journey – being committed to making this work. Now, that doesn’t mean that divorce isn’t allowed, but if you want to have a good, strong relationship, then you must be committed. So, let’s look at Jewish teachings. Jewish teachings are all about commitment within marriage. It goes even farther. We call it a covenant, right? Malachi says, “the wife of my covenant.” And Ezekiel also talks about marriage being a covenant. Even with the word Kedushim – which is the betrothal, the name for the betrothal ceremony as part of a Jewish wedding, we’re saying that we’re becoming separate from all others, we’re separating ourselves from all others, and we’ll be only for each other, and doing that creates sanctity within the marriage. And then there are so many rules and regulations about how everything needs to be done in order for it to be legal – in order for it to be this binding commitment. And so certainly, Judaism agrees with this idea that we need to create a commitment to each other as a lifelong journey. Like, we want to make this work.

So, often, within Judaism, we take lessons that are given that teach us how should we treat all people. An example of this is, “this is you should love your neighbor as yourself.” This is the famous, probably the “golden rule,” within Judaism. How should you treat other people? Hillel even said the main teaching of the entire Torah and Judaism was “You should love your neighbor as yourself.” I am going to suggest to you that, even though it’s true and it’s good that you should love your neighbor as yourself, that research does not agree that you should love your partner, your spouse, your husband, your wife, as yourself. But that research says that would not is not a good idea. And give you a moment to think about that. Why do you think you should not love your partner as yourself?

Well, it has to do with this. Each one of us takes in the world through our own lens, and that lens is colored by our childhood, our history, our temperament, our personality. We could have slightly different values. All of those things are going to impact the way we see the world and the way we experience things in our world. Therefore, what is going to make me feel well-loved within my marriage may be very different than what’s going to make my husband feel well-loved within our marriage. And what makes me feel important or valued may be different than what’s going to make him feel important and valued.

So, rather than just going with the idea, “Well, I just have to treat my spouse the way I would want to be treated,” rather than doing that, we want to ask, “Tell me what you need. Tell me what would help you to feel good. What can I do to help you feel more loved?” We need to ask the question, and then we need to listen to the answer, and then try to meet that need if we can. We shouldn’t be upset if our partner asks for something that we’re not doing. We shouldn’t think, “Oh, well, you know, does that mean I’m doing something wrong? Are you saying I’m bad?” No, because we can’t read each other’s minds. So, if your partner needs something that you’re not giving – see if you could provide it, and if you could try to make small adjustments to help your partner feel good.

At the bottom of the screen, I included this quote from John Gottman. Someone once asked John Gottman, “If you could condense all of your 40 years of research into one sentence, what would it be?”  – kind of like the question they asked Hillel and Shammai. And his answer was, “You should send the message to your partner: ‘When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.’” “When you’re in pain, the world stops and I listen.” Like, that’s the most important thing.

Building Love Maps

Okay, we’re going to move up through the sound relationship house. We’re going to begin with building love maps and move up from there. We want to know our partner’s inner world. We want to build a map, in our minds, of our partner’s inner world. We want to know: What does our partner love? What do they hate? Who do they love and who do they hate? What are they looking forward to? What are they dreading? What excites them? What bores them? What happened to them in the past, and how is it impacting them now?

And we need to keep updating this, right?  Because what made us anxious two years ago is probably not the same thing that’s making us anxious today. And so, we have to keep updating it and building it. Notice building it, like a bayit ne’eman, like a sturdy house. We have to keep building it – being intentional. And the way we do that is by asking open-ended questions. We want to ask questions that are not “yes” or “no,” but leave space for the other person to share.

So, what does Judaism have to say about this? Well, Judaism agrees that, yeah, you really need to know each other well – right from the start, in Genesis and Bereshit, it says, “Adam knew Eve.” And the Hebrew word for “knew” is yada, which is the same word Torah uses for knowledge – da’at. And the commentaries say that that implies profound knowledge of each other, including feelings and deep understanding, a deep knowing of each other. And that’s part of joining together physically – is joining together emotionally and intellectually and spiritually. Just the way the Jewish calendar is arranged, is organized, leaves us those times to connect with each other.

Shabbat and Yomim Tovim, holidays, give us time when we have to disconnect from work, we have to disconnect from electronics, we have to disconnect from all those things that could stand between us in our marriage. And it leaves us time to have long meals, and to have long conversations, and to ask those open-ended questions. Laws of family purity also give us those opportunities. And I included a quote here from Rabbi Belovski. He’s a contemporary rabbi who says, “If the relationship is focused on knowing the other person and what they need, even when they’re changing, then you remain together and connected.” And that agrees with all of the research.

Fondness and Admiration

The next level is sharing fondness and admiration. So here we’re talking about sending the message on a regular basis that you value the other person, that they’re a priority in your life, that you think they’re great. So how do we do this? We create a culture of appreciation. We create a culture within the family where not only do we share what we’re grateful for – “Oh, thank you for doing that” – but we also share what we really appreciate about the way the other person carries themselves in the world. What do we admire in the other person? What Middot, what characteristics, do they have that we think are beautiful – and really letting them know that we see that?

So, we also create rituals of connection. Rituals of connection are things that we do on a regular basis that say, “Hey, we’re connected. I think you’re wonderful.” A goodnight kiss, saying “I love you,” having coffee or tea together in the morning, taking a walk on the weekend when it’s nice, having a weekly date night or couple time… you know, all of these things. When I say “couple time,” I mean time set aside for having fun together, for enjoying each other’s company. All of those things are rituals of connection that are important. Gottman also has this idea that each couple shares an emotional bank account.

It’s an emotional bank account that – here, I have this as a little show and tell. When I say something nice to my husband, I don’t just give it away. I don’t just give it to him and then he keeps it. And I have less when I do something good for him or say something positive to him,

I make a deposit in an emotional bank account that we both share. And when he says something nice to me, or lets me know that he values me, or shows appreciation, he’s making a deposit. And so, the more we give to each other, the more we both gain, right? Because we share that.

So, let’s look at what Judaism has to say. Well, Judaism doesn’t frame it as fondness and admiration. Judaism frames it a little bit differently. So, for instance, Judaism says you should develop a good heart. So, let’s look at some Jewish sources – again, there are many. I just chose a few.

Rabbi Yaakov Zvi Mecklenburg, a 19th century scholar, says, “Man’s inner capacity for goodness can never be realized unless he has someone upon whom to shower his affections.” And Rabbi Mecklenburg goes on to explain that when we give affection to our partner, to our husband or our wife, we don’t just give it away, but we both gain as well.

So again, he’s saying “the emotional bank account.” He’s saying, “Yeah, you’re making a deposit in the emotional bank account.” Actually, he goes even further. He says, “You help them and you help yourself.” So, he doesn’t exactly use the emotional bank account, but I think it’s basically the same idea.

Then, going to Ethics of the Fathers, Pirkei Avot: Rabbi Elazar Ben Arach says, “Developing a good heart is the most important thing to strive for.”

And then Rebbetzin Jungreis, in her book A Committed Marriage, expounds on this. And she says, “There are myriad little acts of chesed (kindness) that can go a long way to generate a good heart and give us our much-sought-after happiness.” And she’s talking about within a marriage. She says, “You send an email composed of just three words, ‘I love you.’” (Today it would be a text.) She says, “Make a point of smiling at your mate. Express appreciation and empathy […] These little gestures require no expenditure, no special energy, but they can change your life and fuel your good heart.” All of that is exactly in keeping with Gottman’s idea of fondness and admiration.

Judaism talks about sharing love and kindness, which, again, is in keeping with Gottman’s idea of fondness and admiration, right? From Kohelet: “Enjoy life with a wife whom you love.” Different quotes from Shir Ha’shirim and from Psalm 89: “For I said the world is built upon loving-kindness” – how important these concepts are within Judaism, and to share within a marriage?

Turning Towards, Instead of Away

The next level of the sound relationship house is turning toward each other – turning toward, instead of away. So here we’re talking about the small moments of everyday life when one partner makes a bid for connection. Maybe they want some emotional support because they’re feeling sad. Maybe they just want to share an interesting story that they heard on a podcast or something that they read in the news. Or maybe they want to go for a walk.

So, we can either turn towards that bid by, well, being willing to engage. “Oh, okay, you want to share that with me? Great, I can listen.” That’s turning toward, and that’s the goal. We don’t always do that – none of us always do that – because sometimes we turn away from the bid. We ignore the bid. Maybe we’re lost in our own thoughts, or we’re reading something on the computer, our phone, and we just ignore it.

So, when that happens, the other person doesn’t feel too good, because they feel like, “Oh, I’m not even important enough for you to answer me,” right? So, that doesn’t feel so good. Sometimes we actually turn against the bid. You know, my husband says, “Oh, you know, do you want to go out for a walk?” And I say, “What, are you crazy? It’s like 95 degrees out. Why would I want to go for a walk?” So, I reject the bid. And that of course, feels really bad.

So again, we all make mistakes sometimes, but we want to strive to really turn towards those bids – to really connect with our partner. And in strong relationships, we’ve learned through research, they turn towards 86% of the bids or more – so the vast majority of the time when their partner comes to them and wants to connect, they’re willing to engage. And so that’s our goal.

So, what does Judaism have to say about this? Again, Judaism frames it slightly differently. Judaism talks about becoming “as one heart,” which I interpret as meaning “turning toward each other.” Ramban says he’s caught in his comment on one of the first times, it talks about man and woman coming together as a couple in, I guess, what becomes marriage – the quote is about a man leaving his family, “and that he should he shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.”

So, what Ramban says about this is that “there can be no true oneness of the flesh” – you can’t really come together and be so close in physical intimacy – “without first experiencing a cleaving together of the heart.” First, your hearts have to come together; only then can your bodies really feel as one. Which is beautiful, a beautiful expression.

If your mate wants to share something with you, Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis says – this is her quote – “Stop for a moment, leave whatever you are doing, look at the other person and show that you care.”

The time you give needs to be full-hearted and undivided. Well, that is exactly what John Gottman would say. Rabbi Maurice Lamb adds that the commandments regarding yehud, togetherness – physical togetherness – in marriage, connote intimacy, balance, mutual respect that’s deep and abiding. And that yehud, that togetherness, includes emotional intimacy and respect and caring, affection, empathy and parenting together. So, he puts it all together. He says, “Yeah, that’s what it means to be together in a Jewish marriage,” which totally works with the concept, or is in keeping with the concept, of turning toward one another.

Just to share a little bit more about what Judaism has to say on this topic, Rav. Yosef Soloveitchik, when he was commenting on Ezer K’negdo that God created a fitting helper for Adam, right? He created woman. And so, Rav. Soloveitchik said, “This is referring to a completing of each other. This is the purpose of the relationship.”

So the purpose of the relationship, according to Rav Soloveitchik, is for the husband and wife to complete each other.

Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch similarly says that the word Kallah, bride, is from a similar root that means “completion.”

And then I included this story from the Talmud because up until now, all the sources that I’ve been showing you are about how wonderful it is to be close to your spouse and how it creates this beautiful, strong feeling.

So that’s like the carrot, and here’s a story that’s like the stick, that’s like, “You know what? You’re going to be punished if you don’t do this. You should not neglect each other because here’s what could happen.” And here’s the story about Rechumi, who spends all his time studying in a far-off academy. He only comes home to his wife on Yom Kippur. And then one year, he doesn’t even come home then, and she’s left waiting for him. He stays at school, he goes up to the rooftop in deep contemplation of something. And in the moment that his wife realizes that he’s not coming home, she sheds a single tear and the roof collapses under Rechumi and he dies.

So that’s the stick. That’s the warning, that if you don’t really turn toward your partner, if you’re not there for them and you don’t make them an important part of your life, that there are going to be consequences. You’re going to be punished.

Sound Relationship House: Positive Perspective

So, back to the sound relationship house. The next level is the positive perspective. So, if you’re doing all of those things, then, according to research, you’re going to have the positive perspective happening between the two of you. When we talk about the positive perspective, we’re talking about: What is the atmosphere in the relationship? What does the weather feel like? Does it feel like sunny skies and hearts and flowers and rainbows? Or does it feel like there’s a dark cloud overhead – in any moment, there could be a clap of thunder and a hail storm? You know, what does it feel like?

So, according to the research, it’s going to happen automatically if you are building love maps and turning toward each other and sharing fondness and admiration – automatically, you’re going to have a positive perspective. Judaism, however, says, “No, you should actively foster the positive perspective.” You should actively foster joy, rejoicing during intimacy, love, friendship. There’s a quote from the Talmud that, when in the first year of marriage, a man has to stay home with his wife. He can’t travel for business or go to the army, he has to stay home with her – ve’simach et ishto, “and he shall rejoice his wife whom he has taken.” He has to make her happy.

You know, the question of why Judaism says you have to work at this, you have to actively foster this – I have a theory which may or may not be true. And my theory is that because in every generation, Jews have enemies that rise up and make their lives difficult and create suffering. It might take a little bit more than just fondness and admiration within the relationship to really be happy when suffering is happening all around you.  So, you may have to really kind of work at it a little bit. But it’s interesting how much Judaism values this – that Judaism values joy and happiness within a relationship.

Managing Conflict

Okay, so let’s move right along – back to the research. We need to manage conflict. How do we do this? I’m giving you the Cliff Notes here.

We have to avoid criticism, right? Telling the other person, “There’s a problem here. And the problem here is the way you are. You always do this. You never do that.” We blame. We don’t want to do that. Instead, we want to speak gently with our partner.

Defensiveness. Defensiveness is when, you know, maybe my husband’s speaking gently to me and offering a complaint, and I say, “Well, that’s not true. I don’t do that. What about you? You do that too.” Or, “I try and I try, and there’s just no pleasing you” – so I don’t take any responsibility. So the answer to that is to take even the smallest amount of responsibility.

The next is contempt. Contempt is when we label the other person – “You’re so selfish. You’re such a slob. You’re so lazy.” We say, “the problem is something wrong with you, and I’m so much better.” We put the other person down so we could label them.  We could roll our eyes. When we roll our eyes, what does that say? It says, “Why would you ever think that? That’s crazy.” That’s what an eye roll says. We don’t want to roll our eyes. We don’t want to use sarcasm. Sarcasm usually has a cutting edge that puts the other person down. Foul language disrespects the other person. So, we don’t want to do any of that. We want to focus on sharing how we feel, what will help us to feel better, because if we’re hurt or we’re frustrated or unhappy, that will motivate our partner who cares about us. If we tell our partner all the things wrong with them, that’s not going to motivate them.

Stonewalling and Overwhelm

Okay, the last of these – “four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are the way John Gottman frames them – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and the last one is stonewalling. Stonewalling is when one person is complaining [and] the other person shuts down. Maybe they fold their arms, maybe they look away, maybe they look right at you, but they don’t respond. So usually that person who shuts down is feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or “flooded” is the word we use. They’ve gone into fight or flight. Maybe they’re thinking, “I wish I could get out of here. I want to get out of here. They’re not going to let me leave.” Or maybe they’re thinking, “If I say anything, I’m going to explode.”

When we’re flooded, when we’re in fight or flight, there’s a physiological change. Pulse goes up above 100. Stress hormones – cortisol and adrenaline – start running through our system. We’re not going to be able to talk about this subject in a way that will be heard, or won’t be able to take in what they say

So we need to call a “time out.” We need to pause the conversation, take some space, self-soothe, come back and talk about it in a gentle way. We want to accept influence. We don’t want to dig in our heels and say, “it’s my way or the highway.” We want to tell the other person what we’re hearing when they’re sharing a need. And we want to ask, “is that right?” And we want to validate their feelings, even if we wouldn’t feel that way. We want to say “your feelings are understandable based on how you take in the world,” right? You’re allowed to have your feelings. Everybody’s allowed to have their feelings.

And we need to find compromise. A compromise is when both people get their core needs met, and other things that are within their areas of flexibility they can compromise on, because those are not essential. If we both get our core needs met, and so we’ve compromised on things that are not our core needs, that’s a win-win for everyone. And that’s what we’re trying to do. That’s the goal.

Judaism on Marital Conflict

Okay, what does Judaism have to say about marriage conflict? A lot. Shalom bayit – it’s the concept having a peaceful home. So, what does that mean? We want to have shalom bayit. It means that we’re going to accept influence, we’re going to compromise. We’re not going to dig in our heels and say “my way or the highway.” We’re going to say, “Okay, we’ll do it.” That way, we’ll have some flexibility in order to have peace in the house, because that is a Jewish value.

Rabbi Shimon says, “Before speaking, acting, or giving a look, we should project the impact of our words, our deeds.” How will our facial expressions affect the other person? What’s going to happen if we roll our eyes? How’s our partner going to feel? So, we need to think about that.

And then I have this quote from Rabbi Gabriel – I believe it’s Abitbol. He’s a contemporary scholar from South America, and he says when spouses disrespect and insult each other, especially in public, they’re poisoning their marriage. “Humiliating someone in public,” according to Talmud, “is the same as murdering him.” This applies to everyone, including family members. Obviously, spouses can point out each other’s mistakes, but this must be done privately and in a respectful tone. And if one has to criticize the other, they should do so in a caring way, never forgetting to mention the other’s good qualities. If you have to criticize someone, praise them at the same time. A criticism must be accompanied by at least four compliments.

And I have to say, I wonder if somehow he took that from the research – because the research says that for every one negative thing that happens in the relationship, we have to have at least say – the research says – five positive things in order for things to feel balanced.

The other interesting thing is, when I was doing this research, I came across an article on Aish.com. Aish.com is a website. Aish is an organization – a yeshiva. It’s a worldwide organization of Orthodox Judaism. And this article on Aish was about how to have a good marriage – how to have a good Jewish marriage. The entire article was quoting John Gottman. So that leads me to believe that John Gottman’s research is really in keeping with Jewish teachings. Just anecdotal evidence.

Making Our Life Dreams Come True

Okay, moving up in the sound relationship house – making life dreams come true. That’s the next level. We have to support each other’s goals in life, and we have to support each other’s roles in life. All the different roles we have in our jobs, in our nuclear family, in our family of origin, in our community, you know, they’re all different. In our shul, perhaps, they’re all different roles that we play, and we need to support each other in doing that.

So, let’s look at Jewish sources. I mean, this is so much sewn into the fabric of Jewish teachings that I really didn’t know even where to begin. There are so many examples throughout Torah, throughout the Talmud, of husbands and wives supporting each other in reaching their dreams – in sacrificing so that the other can reach their dreams. And if you just look at traditional Jewish culture, it’s very much “roll up your sleeves and lend a hand.”

You know, if you’ve ever been to – I was going to say an Orthodox family Erev Shabbat on Friday afternoon, when they’re getting the meals ready for Shabbat, especially in Israel, where they make so many different salads and so many different dishes, it’s like everybody’s got their sleeves rolled up, everybody’s chopping and tossing and, you know, like, nobody says, oh, you know, “this is the wife’s job,” or “this is the daughter’s job.” No, everybody’s pitching in and everybody’s helping because it’s more than one person can handle. And I think that really, that’s the only way forward in terms of all of the different myriad things that Jewish families try to accomplish – is really to work together. So, I apologize that I don’t have any specific stories on this.

Shared Meaning

The highest level of the sound relationship house, of Gottman’s house, is creating shared meaning. So here he’s talking about having rituals of connection between the two of you, but also having family traditions – having ways that you celebrate holidays, rites of passage, perhaps giving back to the world. What things? Deciding what do you want your legacy to be as a couple, as a family? What legacy do you want to pass down?

Now, where did he get this idea, John Gottman, of framing it this way? Again, it’s all in how it’s framed, right. Where did he get this idea of how to frame it this way – creating shared meaning? From the work of Viktor Frankl. And John Gottman says this when he lectures. Viktor Frankl was a Holocaust survivor before the war. He, he was a neuroscientist, a neurologist, and also a psychiatrist. Very soon after the war, he wrote this book, Man’s Search for Meaning. And in it he posited that humans have a drive to create meaning in life. And he says it can be created in different ways. He gives three basic ways: relationships with people, or our connection with art or creativity. We could create meaning through our work or our activities that we do, and he says we can create meaning in how, by how, we respond to hardship and suffering. So, the way that we respond to hardship and suffering creates meaning in life.

And he tied that to those who survived the Holocaust, and how they created meaning, and what they decided to do in response to that hardship and suffering. But this is the basis of where he got this idea.

Jewish sources – Judaism is all about creating shared meaning. Judaism is about taking everyday things and elevating them to something holier, to something spiritual, to something that has greater meaning than what it would be otherwise – taking a Friday night dinner, and creating meaning out of it.

So, Maimonides says that marriage has a few different stages – that at the beginning of a marriage, we are friends in doing certain activities and helping each other complete certain tasks. Then we become friends in troubles. We survive troubles, troubled times, worries, burdens, by joining together in friendship. And finally, he says, we become a companion for ideas, for destiny, for meaning, for creating shared meaning in those ideals that will stand forever.

The marriage blessing ends with “m’kadesh amo Yisrael”: “Blessed is He who sanctifies his nation Israel through Chuppah and Kiddushin.” So the entire people of Israel, all of us, are made holy through marriage, through our continuity, through our continuing our traditions and that, and that our holiness, our higher level is revealed, is revealed through joining together in celebrating marriage and through connecting the marriage partners themselves – and that God and that godliness connects them, that Hashem is part of it, that God is part of it. And that’s all about creating shared meaning within a marriage, within a relationship.

So, how can we conclude? Well, it seems pretty clear that if we look at the Jewish tradition really woven throughout the whole thing, we find the scientifically proven method for building a strong marriage. Gottman does present this material in a very organized and accessible format, so it’s easier to immediately grasp. But working intentionally and using these evidence-based practices, a couple can build a bayit ne’eman – a sound and sturdy and everlasting relationship.

And just as a final word, when we repair a marriage, we can really heal an entire family and even future generations. So, let’s work hard to be intentional and build a bayit ne’eman – build those strong, sturdy relationships. Thank you.